MIKE&TRICIA'S HOLLYWOOD DIRT REPORT

CHRISTINA AGUILERA DID NOT PEE ON HERSELF NOR DID SHE HAVE A MENSTRUAL ACCIDENT AT ETTA JAMES' FUNERAL: The Internet was on fire yesterday with CHRISTINA AGUILERA'S performance at ETTA JAMES' funeral this weekend. And not because of her over blown singing either. It was over a mysterious substance that was caught on camera streaking down her legs.

People were speculating all kinds of gross -- like that she peed herself, that her monthly visitor had chosen that time to show up, and that she'd gotten in a quickie before taking the stage.

Well, according to an 'Us' magazine "insider" it was the least gross explanation: "The sweat caused her spray tan to streak." Of course! Because famous or not, it's always important to have a tanned nether region!!!

MADONNA VS. LADY GAGA - ROUND TWO!!! WHO YOU GOT???: Madonna's claws are out again. This time she reportedly stipulated that if she is going to attend anyone's Oscar parties, Lady Gaga can't be on the same guest list.

A source told Showbiz Spy, "She doesn't usually act like this, even about bitter enemies such as Sean Penn and J. Lo." So what's the big deal about Lady Gaga being in the same room as her? The source claims that she didn't want to be forced into a photo-op with Gaga.

Madge started the whole thing when she began her promotional tour for her movie “W.E.” a few weeks ago and people asked her what she thought of Gaga's "Born This Way" which had sparked comparisons to "Express Yourself.” She responded by calling the track "reductive" and a "wonderful way to redo" her song.

ELTON JOHN VS MADONNA – ROUND TWO!!! WHO YOU GOT???: If you recall war between ELTON JOHN and MADONNA was declared a couple of weeks ago when prior to the Golden Globes, Elton told a reporter that Madonna had no bleeping chance of winning the Best Original Song award and followed it up by declaring that they weren’t fighting words, they were "accurate words."

Later, when Madge was told of the comment, she replied, “Was he wearing a dress?” then added, "may the best man win.” That man ended up being Madonna.

Well, now, Elton has reignited everything in the form of some "friendly" advice to Madonna concerning her upcoming Super Bowl halftime show. After Elton told ABC News that he had never seen a decent halftime show, he encouraged Madonna's performance by saying, "Make sure you lip-sync good."

J.LO VOWS TO NEVER DISCUSS DIVORCE IN PUBLIC AGAIN: JENNIFER LOPEZ sat down with MATT LAUER on the “Today” show yesterday to talk about “American Idol” but Lauer had other ideas. Instead of staying on task, he quickly steered the conversation in the direction of her love life.

Lauer tried to get J.Lo to talk about her interview with Vanity Fair where she opened up about walking away from her marriage to MARC ANTHONY.

When asked if she could elaborate on the interview, Lopez replied, "No I can't," adding, "Because everything I wanted to say about the divorce I said in that article, and Marc and I agreed we weren't going to talk about it publicly again because it really is our personal life.

JLo was a bit more forthcoming, and definitely had more fun later in the day when she paid DAVID LETTERMAN a visit ...



KARDASHIANS GO TOPLESS!!! KIM, KOURTNEY, AND KHLOE were caught on camera topless, and we have the photo!!! Okay, it was for the new ad for their line of jeans and their naughty bits are covered ... but still!

JESSICA SIMPSON SHOWS US HER TWEETS: Check out the pic JESSICA SIMPSON Tweeted yesterday of her "pregnancy face" ...

Jess captioned the photo: "Woke up looking like the lip injection fairy visited me in the night! Is this how pregnancy face begins?! Yikes!"

On a related note ... Look how scary big Jess is getting

DEMI MOORE GETTING ‘SPIRITUAL’ HELP: Although DEMI MOORE'S exact whereabouts in the wake of her recent hospitalization are unknown, sources told E! she IS getting help in the form of "spiritual counseling." The E! insider adds that reports of Moore having entered a residential treatment program, however, are untrue.

Meanwhile … ASHTON KUTCHER has yet to officially commented on Demi’s drama, but he did post a page scanned from the book "The Four Agreements" on his Facebook along with the words, "Friend sent me this today thought it was valuable to share."

The rules include "Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others," and "Nothing others do is because of you."

CELEBRITY TATTS: KYRA SEDGWICK showed off some new ink over the weekend. Kyra resisted the urge to go all 'thug life' like RIHANNA recently did, band instead went with the initials K, K, S and T on her ribcage.

One K is for her and the other is for that lucky bastard husband KEVIN BACON. The S is for their 19-year-old daughter Sosie and the T is for their 22-year-old son Travis

RELATIONSHIP REPORT:  How's this for a downgrade? Elisabetta Canalis has reportedly gone from George Clooney to Jackass Steve-O.

Rumors of their romance have been swirling for weeks and the two were spotted together at a West Hollywood hair salon over the weekend. Neither has confirmed if they're more than buds. I suppose when you've dated Clooney, there's nowhere to go but down.